I am sad.
Today is my sons 21st birthday. That isn't what I am sad about, but I am sad to be sad on such an important day for him.
I am so affected by the world around me. I am like the empath on Star Trek. Remember her? Lots of curly dark hair and an uncanny ability to feel the emotions of others?
I feel so deeply the collective pain and sorrow of the world that I have a hard time even watching the news. I am not sure if we were meant to know about all the bad, globally. There is enough bad (and sufficient good to balance it) in our neighborhoods isn't there? But most people have no idea what a neighborhood even is. I am no better. Through my lively and vivacious people person of a daughter I am getting to know my neighbors. To care about them and their lives.
I should get to a point here.
I belong to an email group. The Corner Coffe Shop. It is a sweet loving place where Christian women gather together via email, sharing Incredimail Stationary creations and finds, and encouraging one another in their walk with Christ. I love these women. They are special, caring, precious women.
But I am not sure if its good for me.
Or is it?
Today a prayer request came across for a woman named Karla. She has 8 children, a good husband, and terminal kidney cancer. She held it inside throughout the Holidays so everyone else would have a good time, and then told her family that she had one month to live.
I am devastated. That sounds ridiculous. How can I be devastated? How dare I? But my heart is heavy. I feel the solid weight of sorrow in my chest and I can not shake it. It makes it hard to breathe. And I feel guilty. Guilty about "just" having Lupus. Guilty about feeling down because I have no money. I am alive! I have my family! I can make COOKIES!
I think of all the times that woman has made cookies for her family. Joyfully, like I did this morning. I woke up at 6:30 am and thought "I want to treat my wonderful son for doing all that he does. What can I do? Cookies!" And I set about in my kitchen which was delightfully cold and clean. I turned the oven on and opened the door to warm things up and happily scooped and melted, mixed and poured while the snow fell quietly outside my window. I was a mother. A happy mama. Light. Smiling. With no cares in my mind except that the cookies should turn out delicious.
She has one month to live. She will never again make cookies with a light heart. If she did make them, tears would be mixed into the dough for all the cookies that will be made without her.
How I HATE to better my life against someone else's tragedy. But I do. I think we all do.
You are in my prayers Karla.
And so I begin my day.
Barrell Bottom Cookies
(my son chose the name because I pulled the ingredients from seemingly empty cupboards)
2 Cups All Purpose Flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 Cup White Sugar
1 Cup Brown Sugar
1 cup butter softened
2 eggs (thanks to my chickie girls)
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups oatmeal ( I used quick...you could use any)
2 T instant coffee crystals (you can leave out if you don't have)
1 cup caramel chips
1 cup chocolate chips (you could use any addition that you wanted, butterscotch chips, pecans etc)
Combine flour, soda, baking powder, salt and oatmeal. In seperate bowl mix together brown sugar, white sugar, eggs, vanilla, coffee crystals. I mix with a wooden spoon. Add the flour mixture to the egg and sugar mix stirring until combined. Toss in the chocolate chips and caramel chips and stir.
Drop by large tablespoon full onto ungreased cookie sheet.
Bake at 400 degrees for 8-10 minutes.
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